literature

It takes time to heal.

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Literature Text

I can't stay for certain why it is that I am posting this here. Why would I tell a bunch of complete strangers these things I cannot fathom? Perhaps I just want to be heard by someone other than myself? Or more concerning yet, it may be a sneaky and selfish underlying urge to gain attention. Who knows. If you do not want to read a sad story about your ol' Tenshi than I suggest you skip over this.

My friends that come here may read this. That is fine, I should man-up and actually confide in one or two every once and a while. I hear their problems and I listen, and I know they will to. My message to them is: Do not try to comfort me tomorrow after you have read this, it's the last thing I'm looking for. And for the love of God, do not pity me. Oh, please…do not pity me. All I want from you is for you to make me laugh tomorrow. Make me happy the way I'm always trying to make you happy every day for as long as I can remember. Everything I do, I do for you. Sometimes I screw up and say or do the wrong things, but it was all for good intentions and I hope you know that. There are defiantly things I would take back or do over if I had the chance, but I hope you see past them and see me for who I am...or at least, who I try to be. Tomorrow we will begin the day like any other day, and you will make me laugh. Because if you see me laughing, than you aren't seeing me cry.

It is strange how life can turn inside out on you. So much has changed in the past two months that I wonder from time to time if I am just dreaming a very complicated bad dream. As many of you already know, my parents have recently split up. Being a sophomore in high school during this places me in a weird spot. I am so close to getting into the real world that I can almost taste it, yet just far enough to still have no real control over my life as I did when I was seven. The most shocking part of this whole experience, however, is seeing the ones I've known since birth become the monsters that I myself have always tried to avoid. I love my parents very much, but it saddens me to say that it may not be quite as much as I had originally thought.

One in particular has shown their true colors in these very short two months since the divorce. They have taught me so much about life, so many lessons that I will probably take with me to my grave. But in recent times I've noted the abuse of these lessons that they had taught me. They had taught me not to smoke. They have taught me not to lie. They have taught me to always respect others and think of how my actions affect them. They have taught me how to love. These and many more values I hold dear have gotten me through so much, but now I do not know what to believe any more.

I am now faced with my worst fear. I do love both my parents very much and I will never stop loving either of them, just as they will never fully stop loving me. No matter what kind of things I screw up, they are always there to scold me, set me right, then help me pick up the pieces. But now I cannot trust one of them at all. All the life lessons and values they gave me…they are now throwing them to the dirt and stepping all over it. Everything I know is being destroyed in front of my eyes, and the worst part is that they don't even know they are doing it. My worst fear is that I have to face someone that represents everything that I never want to become, and they are one of the people I love the most.

At first I felt angry. Every passing day I grew more hatred towards their actions. But as the years went by my anger changed into pity, sadness, loneliness, and despair. Recent events have only confirmed my thoughts. I know I cannot continue to live with them any longer. I know it is important to have a relationship with both your parents, especially in times like these, but not if it costs me my moral self. I am afraid that it is time to say goodbye, walk away, and don't look back. I wish I could do it without tears, but I know I'm not that kind of person.

I have made up my mind. Forever my life will change, and forever their life will change as well. Perhaps in a few years they will decide what/who it is they love. Maybe we can become family once again. I hope so. But first they have to realize just what it was that drove them and I away: the constant disregard for the people that love them. It will be a tough thing for them to realize, but I pray to the Lord that one day they will see with open eyes and in return with an open heart.

So in the meanwhile I will continue to set up my life and they will set up theirs without me being a constant interruption. I can earn good grades, get a job, work towards a career, and they can continue to be childish and corrupt in all the ways they wish. It will take time to mend the wounds that I take away from this, and although the scars will always be there, at least it will not be as painful.

It only takes time…

I just hope this is not a mistake.
Tenshi is having a bad day.
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